Faux Oeufs au Jacques
1. Chop half a large onion to smithereens. Do it under the stove hood with the blower on to keep from blinding yourself. Wear glasses.
2. Saute the onion in one tablespoon of air. For richer flavor, lean over the non-stick pan and say in a low voice, "olive oil".
3. While the onion is "carmelizing", crumble in up to half a pound of ground turkey breast.
4. Stir aimlessly until the bits of turkey are not pink enough to endanger your life.
5. Pour in up to one and half cups of packaged egg whites. Do NOT use real egg whites or you will be appalled by the non-color and yucko texture. If you do use real eggs, feed the yolks to your dog or cat. It will make the pet's fur glossy and make her roll over clutching her chest.
6. While cooking on medium heat, sprinkle on large quantities of every spice you can find. Garlic powder, hot sauce, cumin, salt, and pepper are all winners. I like lots of celery seeds and carraway seeds, for crunchiness if nothing else. Get big containers of spices at Costco. Three pounds each should be about right.
7. Stir on medium heat until it looks done or you lose interest, whichever comes first.
8. Serve on disposable plastic plates so you don't have to wash anything afterwards. Safeway has some with crennelated edges so you can press on a second one to make a lid for the refrigerator and then the microwave. Plastic forks may be pushing the envelope but what the hell, who cares?
9. Season liberally with the most expensive balsamic vinegar you can find.
Other Diet Tips
When seized by the munchies, a glass of seltzer or skim milk is good. A glass of red wine is better. A glass of Trader Joe's scotch is better still.