Dating

One of the unexpected consequences of dating in old age (Why are amorous men called Romeos? Romeo was faithful to his Juliet. Killed himself rather than live without her. He was the most monogamous of men. But I digress.) is that one meets lots of people. Actually one meets lots of women which is both more interesting and much harder on the nerves and wits than it sounds.

Women are strange creatures, much stranger than men. Men are content with sex, beer, and whatever sport is in season. Women feel that the curtains aren’t quite right. They are prepared to spend a lot of their time, their trouble, and your money on the problem. Men have never noticed the curtains. “There are curtains?” But again, I digress.

First there is the selection problem. I use the analogy of a $20 dollar bill lying on Market Street. How long will it lie there? Not long. Everyone wants it. But a cigarette butt will lie on Market Street for quite a long time because no one wants it. The same is true of the dating-and-sometimes-marrying market. If a woman is in all ways desirable, she will be snatched up quickly. The first man acceptable to her will carry her off. Carry her off not only into the sunset on his beautiful white stallion, but also off the dating-and-sometimes-marrying market.

Which means that those remaining are those less desirable than the one last seen riding west. So they stay on the market longer. By simple economics, the more picked-over the women are, the less desirable the remaining ones are. The same should be true of the men as well, perhaps even more so.

Here the advantages of having an advanced degree and the associated intellectual super-duperiority come into play. That bleak prospect doesn’t actually work itself all the way out to its logical conclusion. Economics works when people behave rationally. But we don’t. Billions of dollars are spent on bottled water every year. On the Peninsula there is a large prosperous truck dealership with a huge sign declaring, “Size Matters!” How likely is it that the size in question is that of the trucks? Considering all the hay bales being hauled and livestock being transported on the Peninsula, how likely is it that there is any rational purpose for the trucks at all?

Date-and-mate seekers are the same. The woman who describes herself as “strong and outspoken” means that she is a bitch. Most men, rational men, would avert even their eyes from the virago. To re-brand a metaphor, a rational man needs a bitch like a fish needs a bicycle. Yet there are others, irrational men, who want just such women. They have someone to tell them what to do at work. They need someone to tell them what to do at home too. It is legendary that such couples make each other miserable but stay together for decades.

Many women like men who describe themselves as “strong and silent”. By which they mean inarticulate, stubborn, and haven’t had a thought of their own since 1981. And that they are drunken, depressed, and occasionally violent. You know, like Daddy.

So what makes someone stay on the dating market for a long time? The leading cause of lying on the Market Street sidewalk is the unconscious unwillingness to connect with anyone. The main difference between men and women is that men are generally conscious of not wanting to commit. Women generally are either unconscious of their unwillingness to commit, or they lie to themselves (and you) about it. The underlying reality is the same though.

The overlying reality is wildly different though. For example:

Scene: Several months ago I meet a woman online. She is witty, intelligent, writes well. I like her. She thinks the same of me. I ask her out. We meet at a fancy restaurant in Berkeley (has to be a public place because the guy is always an axe murderer until proven otherwise). As I have come to expect, her picture is 15 years and 30 pounds out of date. We have a lovely dinner, and enjoy each other’s company. I walk her to her car. She suggests my car. A naïf of 60, I don’t get it. After necking in the car for a few minutes (I would like to tell you it was like being 16 again but at 16 I had neither a girlfriend nor a car) she suggests my place. Off we go.

Chez moi there is the downstairs couch then the upstairs bedroom. She shows me why gays do it that way. (Facing each other – get your mind out of the gutter here….) This evening beomes this morning and life is fine.

It was like an unexpected birthday and I was looking forward to many happy returns of the day. I actually wrote in my diary the next day that the lady was a keeper. A few days later she called and pretty much demanded that I drop all other lady friends and see only her -- indefinitely.

Coming back to the purpose of the anecdote, her purpose was, I am convinced, to drive me away. She had to know what the answer had to be. That she chose a spectacularly roundabout way to do it doesn’t change the underlying logic. She has to have known that a commitment cannot be made in a single day, not even in a single night. I would like to think that I am such a prize that she was so smitten with me after a single meeting that she just had to have me, for the night and for keeps. But I don’t.